Holding Pattern and Fluffy Butts.

That's what I feel like we're in right now. No cerclage because it's too risky, already at the max dose of the anti-contraction meds, so we just have to wait and hope and pray.

On a happy note, the fetal fibronectin test my OB gave me yesterday(so thankful I was able to see him instead of dealing with Labor and Delivery again, I'm already tired of going there!) was NEGATIVE!!!! I know most people have never heard of this test, I guess I'm just the lucky winner that has had this test in both pregnancies. Apparently there is a protein called fetal fibronectin that acts as a "glue" for the amniotic sac and is secreted into the birth canal around two weeks before delivery. The upside of this test? If it comes back negative, they can absolutely say for sure you will not deliver in the next 10-14 days. 14 days put us past the first important milestone: 24 weeks! Obviously he needs to stay in there MUCH longer than that, but at least I know that they can at least attempt to save him after that. Right now, that's huge to me.

So, I've been on bedrest for a little over a week now, and I'm still having a hard time letting people do stuff for me and asking for help, but I'm trying. This week I've been trying to focus on the things that still need to be done, and also doing a LOT of googling. Rian calls me the queen of Google for a reason. I honestly don't know how I would have survived parenting or adulthood without this magical invention. I think I would have had to be a librarian just to have constant access to information.If you know me, you also know this is how I handle the "scary" things in life. I have to have a plan. So far, my biggest accomplishment has been finding out Happy Heinys(Check them out, they make super cute and super awesome diapers!) make PREEMIE-sized diapers!

How cute are these?!?

 We won't be able to use cloth while he's still in the NICU, pesky rules about sterile environments and all, plus I think the stress of the NICU will be enough for us to deal with without adding more diaper laundry. But I fully plan on having these washed and ready to go the day he comes home. :)

I'm also very thankful for some of the wonderful cloth-diapering mommas we have here in Vegas. After this weekend, I should have my newborn stash DONE and ready to wash and wait! I'm feeling pretty good this week about what I've accomplished even without getting out of bed!

Now if I could just find the perfect double stroller, that doesn't cost an arm and a leg, I'd be set. On that note, off to Google some more. :)

I'm Back! For real.

I decided I might as well do something productive since I am stuck on the couch for the forseeable future(or at least the next 4 months). So far Luke is proving to be as stubborn as independent as his daddy and big brother, so it's going to take a lot of prayer, and an annoying amount of rest, to keep him cooking for a few more months. Ugh! I am SO not good at laying down and doing nothing. Thankfully, my mom is here, and due to an unfortunate accident involving a toilet in the apartment above her, staying with us for the next few weeks. I can always count on her to take care of me! She came home from a Target run today and made me an ultra-comfy bed on my couch:

Now at least I won't be miserable since I can only go upstairs once a day! Now if I could just find a tray or table of some kind to keep my giant glasses of water I'm downing in an attempt to keep the contractions away(it's not helping), I'd be set!

We find out tomorrow afternoon if I am going to need to get a cerclage. I'm not sure which way I'm hoping it goes. On one hand, I feel like the cerclage would give me some reassurance when I'm having all of "irritability" as the nurse called my lighter contractions Friday night. But if they say I don't need one, it means that all of the contractions over the last week haven't been productive and nothing has changed, which would be a good thing. Plus, my perinatologist said they would be giving me an epidural, and given my last experience with one, I'm not too confident in its ability to stop me from feeling what's happening.

On a happy note, my BFF will be here Wednesday night!!!

I am SO excited to her see and her awesome kiddos for 4 whole days! This pic is from the last time we saw each other, before Lane was even here. One of the upsides to living in Vegas is everyone wants to drive through or fly through here to see you. :)

I had a direction I wanted to go with all of this, but totally lost it. My mom's spaghetti just smells too yummy. With that, I'm going to go eat some dinner. Maybe I'll remember what I wanted to say eventually. Or not.

Pandora

I know, it's been a year since I last posted. I've let life, a job, a million other things get in the way. But I need to do this for me. And for any other woman who MIGHT read this someday, and be going through this, and think "THAT is what I needed to hear."

I'm not normally a cheesy, "lovey-dovey" person when it comes to my marriage, especially on the Internet. But right now, all I want is my husband. I need him to hold me, and Lane, and remind me that even though this is worse than it was 2 years ago, we have an amazing team of doctors, and a handsome, smart, and hysterically stubborn 2 year old son who has proven that our kids are fighters. Because right now, that's so hard for me to remember.

Of course, he's at work, so he can't. And can't really talk much either. So I'm stuck on a couch, in a house that's quieter than anywhere I've been in the last 2 years, and I have Pandora on just for background noise so I don't crazy and start hearing things.

I love Pandora. My brother got me hooked on it years ago before anyone even talked about it, and I honestly think it's one of the best inventions since Facebook. It never fails that whatever station it happens to be on at any point in time, there will be a song I need to hear. Lately, it's this one:

You and Me
What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

One of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

For anyone who wasn't at our wedding, this was my processional. It seems that lately, when I feel like falling apart, this song ALWAYS comes on, and I'm back in that moment. And he's staring at me, and I know that no matter how many ups and downs we may have had, this is us. And we will get through this.